The Timing Of The Text

Thoughtcatalog.com came out with the breakdown of how long it takes someone to text you back and what that text really means.

Think about this – what things in life do you do IMMEDIATELY? I’m talkin’ within a minute of having the opportunity to do them? Open Christmas presents. Pet a cute dog. Take a bite of scalding hot food that you consider worthy of a tongue burn. By responding to you so hastily, it shows how eager they are to interact with you. You are Christmas morning to this person!… Or they have no life at all, but that’s not flattering so we’ll stick with the first theory.

You’re pretty important, and perhaps even more so than the person who gets a response time of 5-60 seconds, because that’s hasty and at risk for typos, whereas this requires taking a few moments to carefully construct a reply. If a person texts you back quicker than you could save 15% or more on car insurance, they hold you in pretty high regards.

You and the text you sent are like a frozen pizza. The person knows they turned the oven on 400° and placed you directly on the center oven rack. They’re aware you’re cooking, but in the meantime they have other things keeping them sidetracked. By the time they text you back, your crust may be crispy, but that’s no biggie. Just take comfort in the fact that they didn’t let you get burnt to the point of inedibility.

Well you’re not not important. One hour is two episode of Family Guy. One episode of The Walking Dead. You’re a pretty significant individual to this person. You just don’t make them feel enough urgency to respond before they finish watching two episodes of a sitcom, or whatever they were doing that took about an hour. That might be because they’re just so comfortable with you that there’s no immediate pressure to respond.

This is like how long it takes people to respond to a missed call from their parents, or finally start doing the homework they’ve been putting off for some time. That would mean you’re pretty important; the person just wants to have ample time to maintain the entire conversation once they finally do respond.

They got your text and kind of meant to respond, but then they just went on living a life that didn’t involve interacting with you for a hefty chunk of hours. Don’t take offense, you’re important in the same way that staying hydrated is, but sometimes 9 hours pass and you’re like, “Wait, have I had water yet today?”

This is how long super lazy people avoid doing dishes. So yeah, conversation with you is the equivalent of a sink full of dirty dishes. They finally responded for the same reason you eventually wash a crusty bowl – because you might need it again some day.

Step 1. Find a self-help book about only being involved in friendships/relationships in which your presence is valued.

Step 2. Have it sent via UPS Ground or whatever the slowest shipping option is. It’ll arrive in a week, tops.

Step 3. Take the spare week(s) you’d still have left until you get a response to read the entire book, and by the time they text back you’ll know just how borderline offensive a multiple week response time is.

The only feasible explanation they could possibly be throwing your way is the classic “omg I JUST now saw your text!” You don’t “just now see” text messages from people you want to hear from, several weeks after they were received. Are you important to a person who takes 8.33% of the year to respond to a text? As the brilliant Angelica Pickles once said, “If you have to ask, you’ll never know.”

Article by-Christopher Hudspeth