Never mind the millions of albums sold or top charting positions. Never mind the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. You know you’ve really made it when The Onion writes an article about you.

The satire site’s story has rockstar Jon Bon Jovi bemoaning a former high school classmate who made it out of New Jersey.

According to the article, the fictional Michael McCleary “bought a one-way ticket out of this (blank)hole and never came back” while Bon Jovi is “just some middle-aged chump stuck in the Garden State playing shows at the same old venues.”

The Onion even name checks the state’s other native son, Bruce Springsteen.