Finally, A Michigan Judge Who Gets It

Listen, as parents here in Michigan, we’ve spent years perfecting the art of creatively disciplining our kids. You don’t just ground a kid—you make them clean out the minivan after a road trip to Cedar Point. You don’t just take away their phone—you make them watch PBS like it’s the ‘90s and Bill Nye is the only thing keeping them sane.

So when we heard that in Genesee County, Michigan, Judge Jeffrey Clothier is sentencing Walmart shoplifters to wash cars in the Grand Blanc Township Walmart parking lot instead of tossing them in some overcrowded county holding cell, we had one thought: Finally. Someone who gets it.

Judge Clothier isn’t just slapping wrists—he’s making thieves scrub hubcaps in broad daylight. That’s justice you can see, with a bonus fresh wax finish. You steal a six-pack of Monster from Walmart? Guess what, buddy, you’re about to meet suds, sponges, and the disappointed glares of soccer moms who actually paid for their groceries.

And Walmart’s in on it too, providing soap, buckets, and (we assume) an extra side of corporate smugness. We picture some mid-level manager handing over a stack of microfiber cloths like, "Here you go, criminals. Make those side mirrors sparkle."

We’ve got to admit, we love it. Not because we’re the "tough on crime" types—we’re not. We’re the “actions have consequences, and those consequences should involve you standing in a parking lot with wet socks” types. It’s brilliant. These shoplifters get a punishment that fits the crime, while some lucky minivan owner drives away with a free detail job.

Even better? The judge himself is reportedly rolling up his sleeves and joining in. That’s a power move. Imagine you’re some 19-year-old caught pocketing a Bluetooth speaker, and now you’re scrubbing windshields next to the guy who literally sentenced you. That’s awkward. That’s humbling. That’s... well, effective.

So, to Judge Clothier, we say: Sir, you’re doing the Lord’s work—if the Lord happened to also own a car wash and believed in publicly shaming people into better life choices.

And to all the shoplifters out there, take this as your wake-up call: Next time you think about stuffing an air fryer into your hoodie at the Grand Blanc Walmart, just remember—you might be spending your weekend waxing a stranger’s SUV while their toddler judges you from a car seat.

Good luck. And use circular motions—works better on streaks.