Vanna Halen: The Van Halen Big Band Fever Dream We Didn’t Know We Needed
In this glorious, AI-driven alternate universe, Van Halen never emerged from the sun-soaked, spandex-clad madness of the ‘70s and ‘80s. Nope. Instead, they formed in the 1940s as a high-energy…
“I am the ruler of these nether worlds/The underground/On every wall and place my fearsome name is hear/Just look around, whoa yeee-ah!” It sounds like something Black Sabbath might have cooked up. The opening interplay between Eddie’s guitar scratching (reminiscent of “Voodoo Chile” by his idol Jimi Hendrix) and Alex’s cymbals is hair raising. Which Eddie Van Halen solo is the best one? Tough to say, but this one kind of defines “face-melting.”
Warner Bros.In this glorious, AI-driven alternate universe, Van Halen never emerged from the sun-soaked, spandex-clad madness of the ‘70s and ‘80s. Nope. Instead, they formed in the 1940s as a high-energy big band swing act, complete with a full brass section, a stand-up bass, and a female lead singer belting out the kind of vocals that make you want to jitterbug until your shoes disintegrate.
And it swings—hard.
Wait...this is Van Halen in the 1940s?
Gone are the thundering Van Halen Marshall stacks and arena-shaking guitar solos. Instead, Eddie’s guitar is a polished archtop beauty, throwing out lightning-fast jazz licks that would make Django Reinhardt raise an eyebrow. Alex is still pounding away, but now he’s working a Gene Krupa-approved drum kit, complete with that unmistakable ba-dum-cha! energy that makes every track sound like the hottest ticket at the Palladium.
Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty ImagesLAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 17: Drummer Alex Van Halen of Van Halen performs during the 2015 Billboard Music Awards at MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 17, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Then there’s Vanna, the mysterious, AI-fabricated jazz diva who’s somehow stepped in for David Lee Roth. And let’s be honest—she owns it. Her voice glides effortlessly between smoky cabaret crooning and full-throttle swing, delivering lines like “I live my life like there’s no tomorrow” with the kind of power that makes sailors weak in the knees.
It’s wrong, but it’s so right.
Vanna Halen, you magnificent, time-warped masterpiece. You shouldn’t exist—but now that you do, we can’t imagine life without you.
