Shrekking: The Ugly Truth About Dating Down

Have you ever been so desperate for kindness while dating that you thought, “You know what, maybe I’ll date someone I’m not remotely attracted to, because at least they’ll treat me like a human being instead of a DoorDash coupon”? And then—plot twist—they’re ugly and a jerk? Congratulations. You’ve been Shrekked.

Yes, "Shrekking" is the hot new dating term trending its swampy little feet across the internet. Here’s the definition: it’s when you “date down” and pick someone you’re not attracted to because you think it means they’ll be nice. Spoiler alert: sometimes the ogre doesn’t turn into Prince Charming. Sometimes the ogre just…stays an ogre.

Now, Shrek himself wasn’t a mean guy. If anything, he was the MVP of swamp-based real estate rights. But the idea comes from Shrek’s plotline, where Princess Fiona takes a chance on an ogre and ends up with true love. The term flips that script. Instead of a fairy-tale ending, you get Fiona waking up next to someone who not only chews with their mouth open but also refuses to Venmo you for half the Uber. Ugly and cheap? Welcome to Shrekking.

Let me pause for a second and say: I am definitely a Shrek. Like, no question. I married up. Way up. Olympic pole-vaulting-up. If marriage were a claw machine, my wife is the glittery stuffed Pikachu that everyone wants, and I’m the sticky spider ring that falls out of the quarter machine by accident.

And I know I’m Shrek because one time I ordered an onion pizza from Sir Pizza in Waterford—yes, onions only, like the world’s saddest dare. Jeff, the guy who owns Sir Pizza, actually called me back just to confirm: “Are you sure this is what you want, buddy? Just onions?” That’s the kind of order you place when you’ve accepted your swamp destiny. That’s Shrek behavior.

But here’s the difference: unlike the tragic Shrekking stories out there, I didn’t trick anyone. My wife knew she was signing up for an onion guy. She just…signed anyway. Which means true love is real, and also that sometimes the hot princess is a little nearsighted.

So why does Shrekking even exist? According to “USA Today” (because apparently journalists had to put this on their résumés now), dating coaches say the term is new, but the trend is ancient. Humans have been “dating down” since cave times. Ug the Caveman probably thought: “Well, Grog smells like mammoth feet, but maybe she’ll share her berries?”

Here’s the logic:

It’s a terrible equation. Because sometimes the swamp monster is just a swamp monster, and sometimes the hot person is perfectly nice. Heck, sometimes the hot person even owns a dog rescue and cooks a mean risotto.

But people fall into this trap because we assume attraction and kindness are linked like Bluetooth. Newsflash: they’re not. A jerk is a jerk, whether they look like Ryan Gosling or an unwashed garden gnome.

To be fair, Shrekking happens in both directions, but the internet (and every CBS sitcom from the last 30 years) mostly highlights women being Shrekked by men. You know the trope: the hot wife married to a schlubby husband whose entire personality is eating wings on the couch. King of Queens. According to Jim. The Entire ABC Lineup, Season 2004.

It’s basically America’s national export: dumpy dudes punching way above their weight because of “personality.” Which is TV-speak for: “the writers couldn’t figure out why she married him either, so let’s just assume he’s funny off-screen.”

So what’s it actually like to get Shrekked? Imagine thinking, “At least he’ll text me back, because what other options does he have?” And then he ghosts you—literally the only time anyone has ever used the phrase “ghost” and “Shrek” in the same sentence.

Or dating someone who doesn’t floss, but you forgive it because you assume they’re “kind at heart.” Then they berate the waiter for forgetting their ranch. You’re sitting there thinking: I could’ve just dated the hot jerk and at least gotten good Instagram photos out of it.

That’s the emotional sting of Shrekking: you sacrifice attraction in the name of kindness, and you don’t even get the kindness. It’s like ordering an onion pizza and then discovering they accidentally sprinkled toenail clippings on it.

Here’s the takeaway, kids: don’t assume “dating down” means “dating better.” Sometimes it’s just…dating down.

Because the truth is: kindness and character don’t come with a face. They come with actions. If someone is going to Shrek you, they’ll do it whether they look like Chris Hemsworth or like they’ve just crawled out of an Arby’s dumpster.

“Shrekking” may be the trend, but it’s really just the swampy reminder that people are people—messy, selfish, surprising, and sometimes delightful. The trick is finding your Fiona, someone who actually sees you for who you are, onions and all.

And if you’re lucky enough to be married up like me, cherish it. Kiss the princess, protect the castle, and for the love of God, don’t make her eat the onion pizza.