Weird Things Up There

America, Please Stop Putting Things There

First off, a sincere, heartfelt thank-you to whoever had to comb through this data, because that job sounds like a nightmare wrapped in latex gloves. Somewhere out there is a government employee whose entire workday consists of reading emergency room intake reports that begin with phrases like, “Patient presents with foreign object…” and end with a long, exhausted sigh.

That unsung hero’s suffering wasn’t in vain, though. A writer at Defector dove into the federal government’s official database of emergency room visits and emerged with a list no one asked for—but everyone secretly needed: the strangest, funniest, and most baffling objects Americans managed to get stuck inside themselves last year.

Not on themselves. Not near themselves. Inside.

https://defector.com/what-did-we-get-stuck-in-our-rectums-last-year-6

The full list includes 50 items, which is both impressive and deeply concerning. Think of this not as a list, but as a snapshot of who we are as a nation when no one is watching… until suddenly everyone is.

Let’s hit the highlights.

Right out of the gate: a turkey baster. This immediately raises several questions, none of which have comforting answers. Thanksgiving was clearly not the only thing getting stuffed.

Then there’s a wine stopper, which feels like a metaphor we’re not ready to unpack. One can only assume alcohol was involved, because sobriety doesn’t lead to decisions like this.

A shampoo bottle also made the list. The gentleman involved claimed he “slipped in the shower,” which is the emergency room equivalent of saying “the dog ate my homework.” Doctors hear this excuse so often they probably nod politely while already reaching for the X-ray.

We move next to nails and screws, which feels less like curiosity and more like a Home Depot clearance aisle gone wrong. Somewhere a contractor is missing inventory and wondering how.

A highlighter followed. No explanation given, but if the goal was to make a point, mission accomplished.

Then there’s the baseball, which came with one of the most haunting explanations of all: the guy said he “just wanted to see what it felt like.” Sir. America did not need this research.

Things escalate quickly from there.

A pair of pliers made an appearance, which sounds painful enough on its own—until you learn the man said he was using them to retrieve a sex toy that was already stuck. Congratulations, you’ve officially turned a bad situation into a much worse one.

There was also a bunch of marbles, which implies either terrible impulse control or a game of “How Many Bad Decisions Can I Make Before Midnight?”

A coat hanger shows up next, and at that point the list stops being funny and starts whispering, “Please seek therapy.”

A penny, which at least brings Lincoln into this mess.

A sandal, which raises the question: flip-flop or slide? Either way, no.

A doorknob—which honestly deserves its own documentary.

A light bulb also appears, proving that yes, there are ideas so bad they should stay dark.

A vape pen, which somehow feels very on-brand for this era.

Two pencils made the list as well. Not one. Two. You’d think after the first pencil, there would be a moment of reflection. There was not.

Other honorable mentions include a corncob pipe, a rock, an egg, part of a nose hair trimmer (??), and—perhaps most impressive of all—a bunch of uncooked pasta, because apparently some people look at linguine and think, “I could work with this.”

And just when you think the list can’t get any stranger, the data breaks things down by gender.

On the women’s side: cotton balls, a small plastic mermaid, two spoons, a bunch of aluminum foil, and—this is not a joke—a Tide Pod. Somewhere a detergent company’s legal team just felt a disturbance in the force.

Meanwhile, the men’s list reads like the contents of a junk drawer that gained sentience: a chess piece, apple stems, an entire apple core, a paper clip, magnets, an Allen wrench, a guitar string, and a pair of headphones, which really raises concerns about Bluetooth connectivity.

The takeaway here is not judgment. It’s awareness.

Emergency rooms are places of healing, but they’re also museums of human curiosity gone rogue. Every object on this list represents a moment when someone thought, “This will probably be fine,” and then had to explain themselves to a very tired nurse.

So let this story serve as a gentle reminder: if an object is not designed for internal use, your body is not the place to beta test it. And if you ever find yourself considering a doorknob, a light bulb, or uncooked pasta—pause. Reflect. Choose peace.

And maybe thank the data analyst quietly sobbing behind a government computer screen, because without them, we’d never know just how weird we truly are.