Arnold, Norris, and Hulk Hogan. My Awesome Surrogate Fathers!
Arnold, Norris, and Hulk Hogan. My Awesome Surrogate Fathers!
When I was younger my memories of my father were not pleasant. And with my father often out of work and spending most of his time on a computer doing God knows what, I spent the majority of my time watching TV. My mother was out working usually and was not home often. So my new parent was the glowing box.
And that glowing box provided me with all the strong father figures I ever wanted! While I was watching Ultra-Man and Godzilla I needed direction on how to be strong when I felt weak. Arnold Schwarzenegger was never weak. Arnold was Commando, the Terminator, and CONAN! As Conan the Barbarian, he is not only strong but seeks revenge for his family’s murder using his father’s sword! BY CROM!
But Arnold was not the only strong role model I wanted to be just like. One day I was watching Invasion USA and saw this Blonde-Mustached Chuck Norris doing roundhouse kicks to all the bad guys. Unquestionably following that I was a Chuck Norris maniac. I loved everything he did. And it was like losing a father when I saw him die fighting Bruce Lee in Return of the Dragon (I later forgave Bruce Lee, because he might even be cooler than Chuck). And of course, his persona has only become legendary with Chuck Norris jokes. Did you know Chuck Norris was once bitten by a Cobra? The Cobra died a few hours later.
Love Me! Love Me! (A RoboCop Tv-Edited Line)
And you might be wondering, how was this little kid able to see so many “R” rated movies? Well, back to the lack of parenting, TV dictated what I should and could watch. But these were awesome EDITED TV versions of the movies. If you want to get me talking for hours, ask me about ROBOCOP the TV-edited version.
When I was in elementary school we had a life-size cut out of Hulk Hogan and it was awe-inspiring to a young lad like myself. I would watch WWF (the original name till those damn pandas stole it!) all the time. Hulk Hogan represented all that was good to me. Drink your milk and you’d become three hundred pounds of pure muscle with thirty-six-inch pythons! BROTHER! I’d go home and jump from my father’s bed posts onto feather-filled pillows. Dropping elbows and leg drops! Still gives me chills when I hear that entry music.
I almost left out Mr. T. That man, both in real life and on TV was the sweetest and kindest gentle tough guy. I ate his cereal and watched the A-Team like it was my job. Always wondered if someday they’d help me out of a jam. And even though Mr. T could get mad I knew he was just pretending, because Mr. T never gets mad, he just gets a little grumpy! And he always told you to be kind to your momma and drink milk too! So here’s one for the mom’s too!
Mind you, this was all before the internet ruined my imagination by detailing every nuance of everyone’s lives down to their home addresses and phone numbers. I can follow the Hulkster’s real life and read all the documents on it. Subsequently, the veil of mystery is gone. Yet, people seem to ignore all that and still live in that fantasy. I would too if I was ever to meet any of my father figures. I can guarantee I would hug every one of them.
Happy Father’s Day Everyone!
20 Father’s Day Gift Ideas Under $20
Wooden Beer Caddy Brown
Add an extra touch of class to any six-pack you get dad for Father’s Day with this really impressive wooden caddy. It holds up to 6 bottles and has a built-in metal bottle opener for ultimate convenience.
Engraved Low-Ball Glass
Let Dad know you know how much he loves a smooth glass of whiskey with his own sippy cup. It’s an 11 oz premium crystal glass that is sure to get a laugh and thank you for Dad this Father’s Day.
Wood Valet Tray
Help Dad keep everything in the bathroom a bit more organized with this three-section tray. It gives him a spot to hold items like razors, moisturizers, beard oil, and any other products he uses regularly. Measuring 1.25 inches (H) x 5.75 Inches (W) x 11.5 Inches (D), it could also work nicely on top of drawers for coins and keys.
Whiskey & Oak Candle
It’s 2022 and men love to get candles as gifts. Like this one that is molded into a chic brown glass container and burns for 36 hours. The candle is made with a soy wax blend.
Play that Beat Jigsaw Puzzle
This is a gift that gets you more one on one time with Dad. Check out this 1,000-piece puzzle featuring tons of record album covers from the likes of Johnny Cash, The Grateful Dead, Janis Joplin, KISS, U2, Miles Davis, Etta James, and many more!
Dad Nutritional Facts Mug
Give Dad a mug that’s sure to put in his rotation of coffee mugs. It clearly outlines his important elements including Strength, Guidance, Humor (with dad jokes!), Hard Work, No Wrong Answers, and of course lots of Caffeine!
Please note that items are in stock and prices are accurate at the time we published this list. Have an idea for a fun theme for a gift idea list you’d like us to create? Drop us a line at shopping@bbgi.com.
