The Family Code Of Conduct For Thanksgiving – Good or Bad Idea?
This showed up on reddit recently, a young woman caught in the middle of a Thanksgiving dilemma…one family member wants everyone to be civil at the table for dinner – and the extreme measures she’s taken.
Thanksgiving Code Of Conduct – How It Started
Let’s go back to the beginning, here’s the original reddit post:
This situation has left me completely baffled, and I need advice. For context, I’m a 32-year-old woman who has been hosting Thanksgiving for my family every year since I moved into my home five years ago. It’s always a bit messy and chaotic, but that’s part of the charm, right?
This year, my 29-year-old sister decided she wanted to “help bring some order” to the gathering. At first, I assumed she meant coordinating dishes or pitching in with cleanup. Instead, she showed up at my house last week with printed copies of a document she called a “Family Code of Conduct.”
She handed out copies and insisted everyone read and sign it before attending Thanksgiving. Some of the “highlights” included:
• A rule against “overlapping conversations” at the dinner table, suggesting we take turns speaking like it’s a “respectful debate club.”
• A ban on political or controversial topics, with her deciding what was too heated.
• A dress code of “smart casual” because “holiday photos should reflect well on the family.”
• Assigned seating based on what she claimed was “optimal personality compatibility.”
She was completely serious. When I laughed and said, “You can’t be serious,” she accused me of “not taking her efforts to improve family dynamics seriously.” I told her I wasn’t going to enforce a code of conduct at my house and suggested that if she wanted to micromanage Thanksgiving, she could host it herself.
She doubled down, calling me ungrateful and stubborn. In response, I canceled hosting altogether. Now, the family is upset with me. My mom thinks I should have just humored her for the day to avoid conflict, while my 35-year-old brother is refusing to attend Thanksgiving unless “no one drafts a holiday constitution.”
I’m torn. Was I wrong to stand my ground, or should I have let her take over for the sake of keeping the peace?
What do YOU think?
I’ve got a couple of thoughts on this:
- The sister who wrote the letter should’ve asked her sister first before sending it out everyone (especially if she’s NOT hosting Thanksgiving)
- There are deeper issues here than just dinner. The fact that they’re so fractured about it tells me someone needs to help them balance this out (Mom or Dad need to jump in)
- Maybe they need to sit down and watch “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” – everyone got along at the dinner table with who’s meat and pudding, knowing full well that a guard was posted and fell asleep – that’s why the grinch got away with everything. And you can’t tell me the mayor wasn’t in on it. And Max….oh that dog knew wayyyyy too much, sitting at the table with a little grin – he was on the inside all along.
Okay, maybe I’m not allowed to bring up #3 at Thanksgiving. Or I could bring this psychology study about how people are eating their food at the table and see what it starts.
And if that doesn’t work, maybe share this article about 5 things of the rudest things you can do at Thanksgiving
Someone asked etiquette experts to name the rudest things you can do at Thanksgiving dinner.
1. Using your phone. Sharing a meal is about togetherness, and your phone takes you out of the moment.
2. Bringing uninvited guests. Even if you think there’s plenty to eat, it’s still rude. If you want to bring someone last-minute, ask the host first.
3. Criticizing the food. It took hours to make. So, thank the cook, even if it sucks. Or at least don’t mention it.
4. Salting the food before you at least taste it. It’s an old-school rule, but some people still care.
5. Showing up late. Don’t be the person who makes people wait to eat.
If you want to be a REALLY good guest: Arrive with a small gift for the host . . . offer to help, but make sure you let them lead . . . and keep conversations light and fun. No politics. AND AGREE TO EVERYTHING ON THE THANKSGIVING CONTRACT!
