A Missing Monkey Was Spotted Drinking Beer in Indiana
I’m just gonna repeat this headline: “A Missing Monkey Was Spotted Drinking Beer in Indiana”…wait, what? It really happened: Cops in Indianapolis got a call Wednesday evening after someone’s pet monkey escaped and made a run for it.
He’s a type of monkey native to west Africa called a patas monkey. (PAHT-uss) They can weigh up to 30 pounds, and they’re the fastest primate on Earth. They can sprint at over 30 miles an hour, so they’re hard to catch. (The fastest speed Usain Bolt ever hit was around 28 miles an hour.)
Several people spotted Momo on Wednesday. There were also unconfirmed reports that he may have BITTEN a few people.
One person who saw him said they watched him dig through someone’s garbage can . . . pull out a beer can . . . and drink the remaining beer that was in it.
Thankfully, Momo’s bender came to an end yesterday. A guy saw him sprint through his yard and break into a vacant home next door. So he called it in, and Momo is now back home safe and sound.
Why didn’t they try to feed Momo Cheetos – remember this story from last year?
TOP SIGNS YOUR MONKEY HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM
He throws his poop when you lock the liquor cabinet.
You say, “Banana.” He says, “Daiquiri.”
He was pulled over for weaving on his adorable circus tricycle.
His favorite drink is what his previous owner served at Neverland Ranch.
Unlike George, the only thing he’s “curious” about is the nearest BevMo.
The only thing he uses his prehensile tail to do is open bottles.
Instead of nuts, fruits, rodents, or bugs, he just wants Taco Bell at 2:00 a.m.
He’s on the endangered species list. But only because of cirrhosis.
You get drunk with him.
He sings the Monkees theme and grumbles “I could’ve sung better than Davy Jones”
